#i just read the most braindead take of my life and a bunch of people agreeing

[cheapeazzze]

i dont care how "ethical" you're trying to make ai art, im not getting behind it. you cannot convince me in a million years that ai art can ever be ethical and using ai art doesn't make you an artist

[tf2-bhs]

Meet "Spy".

The most arrogant student in all of MANN high school and sixth form. Once he had a perfect life, over in France. Not an orphan, posh house, and perfect grades, and because of those perfect grades he was offered a chance to go over to England as an exchange student, which he obviously took. However, as soon as he got to the people he would be staying with, he soon realized that it was one of the worst opportunities that he had ever taken.

8 children, under one small roof, with only one familiar woman looking after them. He immediately clashed with the clan's youngest member a, then, 13-year-old boy called Jeremy. The pair often got into verbal spats whenever the younger boy's mother wasn't around.

However, despite them often fighting, the pair developed a sort of brotherly bond, with 'Spy' telling Jeremy long and intricate stories sometimes about things he's done in France, other times just to hit him with a 'your mom' joke. And sometimes Jeremy goes to 'Spy' for advice with the SAME SIXTH FORM GIRL.

'Spy' was only supposed to stay in England for his time in year 10, however, he made a special request to stay for an additional year, which his old school agreed with, as long as Ms. Sullivan was okay with it, and due to reasons still unknown, she was.

He's the second most mysterious student, second only to the 'Pyro', and that is primarily because we actually know that 'Spy' is human and speaks plain English, however, his identity is still unknown as he has never taken his hood off in front of someone and he always answers the register before his name is said.

Despite his posh exterior, he's partial to video games, especially a shooter game called 'Band Bastille 2.' He is an absolute sweat at it and is by far the best 'Infiltrator' player for miles. He even has a nemesis on the game who goes by the gamer tag 'ProfessionalwStandards', who primarily plays the 'Assassin' role, which he hates all player.s of but, and I quote, ", especially this so-called professional! He dares to say that he has standards!? All assassin players are just a bunch of pathetic lost souls who don't even know how to move their own characters!" - Spy, overheard at lunch, the other week.

Another one of his online activities that he loves to do is to get into arguments about the stupidest things. It could be about politics, a movie franchise he hasn't seen, or even basic trivia. Sometimes he purposely says the wrong thing, just to illicit a reaction from the person, and when the perfect time comes, he strikes and instead of putting an actual answer, he just puts the person's IP address and never looks at the conversation ever again.

Something that he just can't stand is vapes, and I quote, "Horrid, horrid things. With their dreadful flavours and stupid batteries. h, and do not even get me started on the braindead people who got the toilets permanently locked because they were using them there. I prefer to take my lung cancer the proper way with cigarettes!" -Spy again.

GCSEs

Trilogy

French

History

Drama

Art

Relationships

Jane 'Soldier' Doe: Apart from maybe Merasmus, 'Spy' is the only person to not put up with Jane's loud-mouthed attitude, saying "It wouldn't be tolerated in my old school, it won't be tolerated by me here."

Jeremy 'Scout' Sullivan: Read the first bit again, and then look me in the eyes and tell me you need this.

?? 'Pyro' ??: 'Spy' wonders what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask, but more so he wonders how, even when he's in isolation, he can always be found by the creature.

Mikhail 'Heavy' Ivanov: They often talk about literature that they've read, meaning most of their conversations take place hidden behind bookshelves in the library making someone think the school is haunted!

Mun-dee 'Mick' 'Sniper' Mundy: Do not let these two exchange gamer tags. They're at each other's throats enough already.

F??? Pauling: 'Spy' is her go-to when getting advice for help with the gals

??? 'Ma' Sullivan: They both know and they know the other knows.

Tavish 'Demoman' Degroot and Ludwig 'Doc' Koch: Nothing too bad, they have pleasant chats

[wirewitchviolet]

It kind of hurts to think about just how stupid nazis are, and they need to be picked on about it more often.

It's late, I'm procrastinating about going to bed, and some nazi just wandered into a Discord server I'm in and started rambling in the most breathtakingly brainless way. He's not having any sort of conversation with anyone or saying anything relevant to the purpose of the channel, just... random stupid gibberish, mostly nazi coded, but mixed in with other stuff that's just... stupid. He's rambling about people clutching pearls over "the sexism and AI" in some banner ad that's just like, one of those generic corporate art deals with a bunch of random people smiling, and then he starts rambling about spiders and viruses that "shut computers down from epilepsy" and you can just see everyone else in the server having this mental debate over whether to just start shouting "what the hell are you even talking about you deluded weirdo? Do you even know what any of these words you're using mean?" or try to be more polite and diplomatic, or just pretend this loser isn't there.

Personally I'm biting my tongue because I have this strong urge to just kinda pin this creep to the wall and start interrogating him about why he's wasting his time watching youtube videos from other braindead losers and trying to parrot the incoherent garbage that comes out of their mouths, and how he expected people were going to react to this drivel, but I know this particular crowd wouldn't appreciate such an active effort to try and restart this piece of garbage's critical thinking skills.

For real though, it's one thing to internalize all the really really stupid propaganda and invent strawmen to try to argue with and all that, but even without the incoherent mutterings about feminism, this guy's making a first impression on a crowd of strangers that his brain doesn't function, he's not going to shut up, and he's just going to keep throwing out incomprehensible word salad until people stop paying attention or kick him out. How is that your gameplan in life? What sort of setting is that going to work in as a means of integrating with some sort of community?

This isn't the only recent example I've seen of this either. Someone was just telling me the other day how the whole nazi culture war sphere wasted like a week or two moaning and rending their garments because they got the idea in their head that in TMNT: Mutant Mayhem (which is really great, and you should see it), they "made Splinter gay." And like... they didn't. They didn't do anything that would ever give anyone that sort of impression. They actually made him rather emphatically heterosexual, and there's this whole bit about him wishing he could find a date. But... some braindead nazi got this idea in his head, somehow, and ranted about it because it was the best dumb culture war thing he could think of to ramble about, and then all the rest started parroting this idiot and shouting about how much they hate this movie that clearly not a one of them has actually watched, or read a review of, or seen a trailer for, or read a vague wikipedia summary on. They're just all making complete clowns of themselves for like a straight month. It's really just beyond pathetic seeing this stuff.

And like... I dunno. Obviously some of these people are so far gone there's nothing to be done for it but justified self-defense measures, but when these idiot children are first dipping a toe in the water, someone really needs to just pull them aside and ask them why the hell they think it's a good idea to take advise from the dumbest most reviled losers on the planet and start acting in a way that's obviously going to leave them completely and utterly shunned and ridiculed by basically every single person on the planet, you know?

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Marvel’s Dobson: Infinity PTSD

In case you wonder why I personally think Dobson is an idiot, here is one (of many) reason(s): Dobson takes the wrong things way more serious than he should.

 On one hand, he will belittle people e.g. to think about the new Pokemon starters more than about current events in real life…

But then he will also throw fits at something like a silly add slogan by Burger King, calling it sexist crap and that the company should be ashamed of it.

 Belittle lesbian teenagers for not taking “KorraSami” as something serious and progressive as he does…

Or in case of Marvels “Infinity War”, believe that the movies ending would be ptsd inducing.

I am not kidding. What you see here is a tumblr post Dobson made up shortly after he watched Infinity War in May of 2018, making it known that he is scared that the movie could be traumatic for people on a global scale.

Which was laughable back then and is even more so in the year 2021, when we actually go through a global trauma in form of Covid-19. Making me also believe, that Dobson, despite claims of suffering from depression and his own form of PTSD, has absolutely no idea what a trauma really is and that despite all his whining over the years, he must have one of the most privileged and easiest lives on the planet, if he thinks a superhero movie is going to be as traumatizing as certain real world events. At least the way the post is worded implies, that Dobson seriously believes seeing Spiderman and other Marvel heroes bite the dust (so to speak) has the same effect as e.g. witnessing 9/11 play out live or being involved in an actual war.

Don’t get me wrong, I know of the reactions people had at Infinity War and the infamous Snap scene. I myself was in a theater where a bunch of kids started to cry when Starlord died. And I do understand that reaction. Because unlike Dobson, I am not just using my brain to whine about things not pandering to my fetishes.

I know, that the MCU and its characters have grown on people over the years, myself included. So when we as an audience watch the world and characters we care about get destroyed as Thanos does to Knowhere, Gamora and so many more, we have an emotional reaction to it. I myself was not distraught, but genuinely surprised that when Thanos snapped his fingers, as many heroes died as we saw on screen. Sure, knowing the comics and that Infinity War was just part one of a two part Avengers Finale of phase 3, I knew the snap would happen. In fact, I even hoped for it to happen, cause I love badass villain moments and Thanos was a favorite of mine long before the movie. Not because I am a space fascist, but because I enjoy threatening villains and stakes in my stories, unlike certain people.

I just didn’t expect that after all the hype Marvel created for certain heroes over phase 2 and 3, especially Black Panther, they would do something as “radical” and kill as good as 95% of all heroes introduced in phase 2 and 3 off. Wakanda forever? Not according to this movie.

But I digress. Point is, I will give Dobson the following: Yes, the movie’s ending has obviously caused people to have a sad emotional reaction to it, because at the end of the day, we will react with sadness when we see someone we care about die. But guess what: So have many other movies over the course of cinematic history.

 Do I really need to remind people (and by people I mean braindead idiots) of stuff like Jack dying at the end of Titanic and watching the ship sink, Mufasa being thrown off a cliff, that one horse from Never Ending Story in the swamp, certain scenes of “Who framed Roger Rabbit”, that scene of the dog put down in “Marley and &Me” and so on? You know, stuff most of us remember as having watched in our childhood only for us as adults to joke how this shit traumatized us?

Okay, it may have at least to some degree in so far as that we remember those movies in parts because of those scenes. I think there have been a few kids not wanting to go into the water to swim for quite some time after watching Jaws. But guess what: Most people get over stuff like that, because somewhere down the line they realize it is just a movie or that those sad/scary parts are actually in their own way “fun”/good and helped us appreciate the story we watched even more. And all Infinity War is, is just another movie in a long line of such flics, while also being the culmination of a decade long multipart movie project by Disney to get the most profits out of superhero movies possible.

Furthermore, I doubt there is or ever was going to be everlasting damage, seeing how “Endgame” was going to happen anyway and has been out for almost two years. Meaning all the “drama” of Infinity War in 2018? Dealt with. All the people that turned into dust are alive again and well thanks to the Dragon Balls- I mean Infinity Stones, which is more than can e.g. be said about Bambi’s mom. So if your kid starts crying because Thanos won when you let them watch Infinity War? Make sure to put Endgame in almost immediately to show them their heroes are not dead. Just hope the kid is not a fan of Iron Man or Black Widow, cause they are the only superheroes of the bunch who are going to join Old Yeller and Co in the everlasting realm of fictional character deaths to “fuck up” your kids.

Which btw is the other thing worth pointing out: See, I can imagine kids having the most negative reaction to watching the Snap play out. Because most kids will not know as many media as adults and are on average not exposed to as much violence or “traumatic” events in the stuff they watch/consume or in real life (hopefully). And lets face it, Infinity War has some “brutal” scenes in it. Thanos choking Loki, Thanos getting stabbed, Thanos getting an axe in his torso, Thanos throwing Gamora of the cliff, everyone getting blown with the wind etc.

But the way Dobson words it, he believes that adults too will react to it negatively, to the point they may need therapy. To which I say, no. If most children can deal with Infinity War, so will even more adults. Personally I think the only person “traumatized” by Infinity War was Dobson himself, because if his history in regard of movies and media he consumes is any indication, he is a pantsy who likely pisses his knickers at animated Halloween specials despite being now almost 40.

Even others called him out on it, but Dobson, the manchild that he is can’t acknowledge that he may have overreacted to it and still believes this movie is a horrifically traumatic experience, based on some youtubers overreacting for the sake of clicks.

Last but not least, where was that kind of reaction by Dobson when Man of Steel came out? You know, the movie where the fight scenes in Metropolis were actually called out by many people in the media of being triggering for people who experienced 9/11.

Seriously though, if Dobson thinks Infinity War’s ending is traumatizing, I just have to ask the following things:

a) how many mainstream western comics has he actually ever bothered to read, cause on average even worse shit can happen in them to heroes than seen in Infinity War (just ask people who read “Cry for Justice”)

b) if Infinity War is already that traumatizing for you, how did you expect to ever be a decent story creator yourself, cause obviously you can’t see characters actually suffer? Except of course when they are straight males abused by redhead pirates.

c) Just as a personal opinion: Better turn into dust than to be inflated and popped, Catty!

[your-art-is-gay]

Meet The Writer

1. What’s your oldest WIP, and how old is it? What inspired you to start it?

My oldest WIP that’s still currently in motion is my main one, The Academy. It turned two years old September 22 (ahh!!)

I got the idea when my dad (also a writer) suggested a school with a bunch of magical creatures living in tandem, instead of a magic school specifically for like wizards or whatever. I thought it sounded very interesting, so I took a couple of character’s I’d made before and started writing!

(Fun fact, a few of the main characters in the Academy were originally from a Percy Jackson fanfiction about demigods with fears that greatly contradicted their powers! Paris was a son of Aphrodite who was terrified of falling in love, and Kieran was a son of Hecate who despised magic! Early drafts of the Academy had very heavy influence from Greek Mythology as well, up until I decided that I really didn’t want it to be so similar to Percy Jackson and created my own mythos instead.)

2. What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to writing?

I tend to overanalyze, well, everything in my writing. One of the worst feelings is when I think of something really clever and then I discover that it opens up a plot hole in an earlier portion. Oh well, that’s what revisions are for, right? *gross sobbing*

3. What scene did you enjoy writing the most out of all your WIPs? What scene did you enjoy writing the least?

Ooohhh, that’s a good question. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I definitely really like the quiet, romantic scenes, because I’m a total sap and I don’t get to write many of those.

As for the one I liked the least, well… One of my main characters has been through some pretty traumatic shit in their past, and partway through the book they have a nightmare and completely break down, and gods I hated writing that. It hurts me so much to put them through that.

4. What’s your favorite trope?

Well, I have a lot of them. I really like characters who are done with everything and everyone and only go along with the crazy shit that happens to them because they have to. Like, they’ll let the plot drag them around but by the gods they’re kicking and dragging their heels along the way. I also really like casual fourth-wall breaking, Gilligan cuts, and the *thing happens and two characters in the background exchange money* tropes.

5. Which of your protagonists do you relate to the most?

Well, I have a character that’s very heavily based off of me―and who also shares my name. Although, while they were written with the intention of being somewhat of a self-insert, they’ve grown and changed as a character so much now that we really aren’t alike anymore. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I’d probably say Nick just for simplicity’s sake, but I don’t really know.

6. What is the worst writing experience you’ve ever had with another writer, anywhere, since you’ve started writing?

I don’t really talk to people in general. I don’t think I can recall a negative experience with another writer, actually.

7. What character from a famous story, book/movie/comic/game, or otherwise, do you despise the most? Why?

Severus motherfucking Snape. I have so many reasons for hating him.

He was an abusive, racist prick who got pissed when his female friend wasn’t romantically interested in him, called her a racist name when she tried to help him, and fucked off to join the wizard Nazis.

He only defected over to the good side because he was still obsessed with Lily and was afraid of her being murdered.

He literally asked Voldemort to spare Lily so he could be with her―sure, kill the year-old infant and the man she actually loves, but no, keep her alive so I can force my love on her.

Despite being a supposedly “good” guy, he mentally abused his students for years, so much so that he even became Neville Longbottom’s worst fear.

Neville Longbottom, who frequently goes to see his essentially braindead parents and is alluded to being able to remember when they were tortured so badly that they became that way, was tormented so badly by Snape that he became Neville’s worst fear.

Upon finding the Potter house after the were killed, he completely breezes past James’ body, ignored the wailing and bleeding child in the crib, just to hold Lily’s body and weep over how he never got to sleep with her.

He has an unreasonable hatred for Harry just because Harry looks like James.

He was so salty about something that happened when they were children (that wasn’t even Lupin’s fault, by the way) that he outed Lupin as a werewolf and forced him to resign, depriving Hogwarts of the only good DADA teacher it ever had.

And yet, despite all of this, he is given a redemption arc. He is considered a redeemable character, when Draco Malfoy, a literal child who was tortured and abused for a good portion of his life and had very little of a say in most of his awful choices, “doesn’t have a heart of gold.”

Snape is seen as a romantic, selfless guy by a good portion of the fandom because…he was obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him? Because of a throwaway line where he proclaimed he would always be obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him?

It’s bad enough that the fans think this, but the books treat it like this as well!! SNAPE, of all people, gets a redemption arc―if you can even call those bullshit excuses that. I, for one, am thoroughly sick of abusive characters getting redeemed.

(Sorry for ranting, I have a lot of feelings about this.)

8. What’s your favorite line of dialogue you’ve ever written?

Most of my characters are sarcastic little shits, so that’s really hard to say.

9. Who’s the worst character you’ve ever written, in terms of morality?

Well….hm….  The thing about my characters, particularly my antagonists, is that I do my very best to make them something other than just evil. In their eyes, their bad actions are justified. So, it’s really hard to choose.

My main villain is a very self-righteous, ambitious sort of guy. He’s kinda racist (a lot of older magi in my story just….really don’t like the fae), and thinks that the magi (magical folk) are superior. BUT, instead of wanting to take over the world or anything, he just wants to leave. Long story short, the magi are originally from another dimension, and it’s there that he wants to return them. Unfortunately, this other dimension is presumed to have been destroyed, and even if it is there, opening a rift to go there could potentially completely destroy our world. He doesn’t care about that, though―after all, it’s only humans and dirty fae that would die.

The only other character I can think of is the one I just really hate. Like, she just oozes evil and I kind of love to write her, because I don’t really have any other characters that have that slick evil personality. But she’s a pretty terrible person too. Her twin brother was taken by the fae as an infant, a changling left in his place. The changeling doesn’t know that yet―but she does.

Their entire life, she’s blamed him for why she doesn’t have her actual brother. She pretends like she loves him, but the entire time she’s been emotionally abusing him and making him constantly feel like crap about himself. She’s even physically abused him, by taking iron and burning him whenever she can get away with it.

I think she’d probably be the worst.

10. Do you prefer happy endings or bad endings? Or do you prefer the middle ground?

Definitely good endings. I can appreciate well-written bad endings, but only after I get over my initial emotional response to it. Sometimes, that takes me a while―like Swarm by Scott Westerfeld. I read that almost a year ago and I’m still fucking pissed. I’m just not really a fan of endings that leave a bad taste in my mouth. (One of the reasons I chose to reread Huck Finn for English instead of doing Of Mice And Men, despite the fact that I kind of loath Huck Finn.)

I’m also aware that not all stories can have feel-good endings, and in many of them, those types of endings just don’t make sense. *squints at the end of Mockingjay*

But, in general, I greatly prefer good endings.

[maevworldny]

Mornings Around Here: Liz and Lego

Welcome back to our series on morning routines where we highlight women around the city and talk to them about what their morning routines look like with their dog. No two mornings are alike and they shouldn’t be! A lot of people hope that dogs will help to bring routine and structure into our lives, to bring joy into mornings, to get up early, to lounge a little longer - whatever it is, it’s your sacred ritual. It’s designed to fit your life and your dogs’s. We’re just here to show how many different faces it can take on.

This week, we chatted with Liz, one of the fabulous models from our shoot about life in New York with her playful and hilarious puppy Lego and work as a graphic designer at Myro. Liz has a tattoo of a lego on her wrist, but you’ll have to find out for yourself which came first - the puppy or the tattoo. Let’s get into it.

Liz and Lego

“It’s funny, as a kid I spent most of my time building with Legos… how fitting right?”

How long have you been in New York? 

Well technically I grew up in New York on Long Island, but I’ve lived in Bushwick for 5-6 years now. 

You’re a graphic designer - have you always been a creative person? What drew you to graphic design in particular? 

Oh yeah, for sure – it runs in my blood. My parents were both creatives; my dad worked for Hearst Magazines in their print management department for 25 years, and my mom was a medical copywriter for several of the big name advertising firms in the city. 

It’s funny, as a kid I spent most of my time building with Legos… how fitting right? Legos made me obsessed with the ability to create. It all kind of just went from there. 

You’ve worked at a bunch of different places and you currently work at Myro, a plant-powered, refillable deodorant brand. What do you love most about working in a startup environment? 

Yeah, I’ve worked for a few startups at this point; Plated, sweetgreen and now Myro. To be honest, my favorite part of the startup life is the culture. I am able to do what I do and LOVE what I do because of the people I work with.

Graphic design requires a pretty creative mind - where do you go when you’re looking for inspiration in both your professional and personal life? 

The best place to find inspiration in my mind is just walking around the city. I always see something that catches my eye, whether it be the outfit on the person walking in front of me, or a wheatpaste ad posted up on the green walls of a construction site. 

When we had you on set, your outfits mixed patterns and colors and textures in really fun and interesting ways. Who are you style icons and fashion inspiration?

It’s a real mix for me. I’m really into this one influencer Suzie Riemer’s(sweetsuzieq) style, and eclectic mix of wild graphic tee’s and color patterned coats/bottoms. At the end of the day though, I feel like my coworkers influence my style a lot as well. We’re always sharing the latest drops of clothing from different brands like pleasures and braindead.

Let’s talk about Lego because that puppy is so f’ing happy. When did you first decide to get a dog and how did you go about that process?

I’ve been in Bushwick now for over five years, and felt that I needed a change in my life. It was either move across the country or get a dog. I first started seeing bernedoodles in the street around the time I decided to get a dog and immediately became obsessed with them. I kept checking adoption agencies and finally came across Lego’s profile on pet finder. I fell in love at first glance and had to meet him. 

On set, Lego was so curious and happy and probably the most social dog we had there that day. How would you describe Lego’s personality?

Lego is such a sweetheart, I’ve never met a more passionate, cuddly, quirky pup in my life. I also would like to think that I had something to do with his personality being so great. ;)

Alright, let’s talk about Lego’s name. I noticed you have a lego tattoo on your wrist. What came first - the tattoo or the dog?

The Lego tattoo came first – it was my first tattoo. My dad actually gave me the idea to name my first dog Lego… little did he know I was actually in the process of going to meet Lego at that point. 

Lego is clearly beyond obsessed with you (and it’s obvious the infatuation goes both ways).  In what ways do you think the two of you complement one another? 

We’re each other’s hype man for SURE. We’re also the perfect cuddle buddies. So many people have told me that Lego always seems to be on the same page as me, almost as if he could read my mind… I wish.

Lego’s still technically a puppy. What’s been the most unexpected part of puppyhood?

In the beginning when I first got him, it was so painful to crate train him. The look he gave me when I would shut the crate door, was just the most depressing thing. And then the crying… yeah, it wasn’t great. 

And New York isn’t the easiest place in the world to raise a dog. What’s been the hardest part of having Lego with you in New York City?

The hardest part for me is planning ahead. I can’t be as spontaneous as I used to be with grabbing drinks or hanging out after work because most places aren’t dog friendly in New York. 

What are some of your favorite activities to do together on weekends or when you have a bit more time on your hands?

Now that it’s off season at Rockaway, I like to bring Lego to beach 90. He LOVES to dig in the sand.

What time do the two of you wake up every morning?

We wake up at 8:15, sometimes earlier depending on how playful Lego is when he wakes up.

Are you guys early birds or night owls?

On the weekends, we are total early birds!

Does he sleep in your bed?

Of course! He loves to snuggle with me, although he doesn’t stay that way for long, as he likes to move around a lot throughout the night.

What's the first thing you do every day?

I’m such a millennial, I check my phone :(

And what's the first thing you two do together every day? We play for a few minutes before I actually need to get up for work.

What's for breakfast?

For me, it depends on my mood. But for Lego, he has Wellness Complete Health Chicken, Oatmeal and Salmon dry kibble, with a few small pieces of Stella and Chewy’s freezer dried lamb patties.

Walk before or after breakfast?

Before breakfast!

What do you listen to while getting ready for the day?

As of late, I’ve been listening to Mark Ronson’s new album ���Late Night Feelings”.

Healthiest morning habit:

Going to a morning workout class.

Worst morning habit:

Going back to bed.

One word to describe your mornings:

Productive

I never leave home without…

My headphones!

If you had one extra hour in the morning, how would you use it?

I would go workout OR take Lego to the dog park.

The best part of mornings with my dog is:

When he sees I’m waking up and comes over to snuggle with me.

Our morning routine series is designed to showcase the diversity of experiences that come with having a dog in the city in all the ups and all the downs.

If you and your dog would like to be featured, text ‘ritual’ to 29071

[allofbeercom]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Murder On The AYTO Express

HELLO AND WELCOME to without a doubt the most lit episode in history with the most fucking braindead bunch of degenerate fuckpoles you’ve ever seen. Seriously, the casting this season is A-1. And by A-1, I mean that half of these castmates will probably end up in jail one day.

As someone who thrives on the drama of others appreciates good reality TV, this episode brought me more joy than I could have hoped, and I actually learned a thing or two in the process. For instance, did you know that behind the creatures that live on Geles’ eyelashes, there is actually a genuinely fucking insane monster-woman?

Also, in exciting news and by request, my betchy Jewish mom has decided to return the world of and I’ll be featuring some of her commentary. This show is such a great bonding experience for us because I can consistently say “see mom, I at least I’m not throwing bananas at people on National TV” and honestly, I think that’s all a parent really wants to hear from their kid <3

AFTER THE MATCH UP CEREMONY

They got 4 beams and party like crazy, because nothing is more exciting than being drastically behind in life.

Keith celebrates by lifting weights in overalls, and watching him do so is as close as I’ll ever get to the Midwest. He’s talking to Alexis about how the best way to handle not being a perfect match is to have a threesome with whomever their perfect match actually is. Alexis is like “seems like a legit solution” and this kids, is why our country is in shambles. 

They both eventually promise not to hook up with their perfect match. Psh, sure, Jan.

Kareem and Alivia are considering pulling their heads out of their asses and accepting the fact that they are almost certainly a no-match. Alivia is like “Keith is literally what I asked for in this game” and it’s like, soooooooo, wanna tell us what you’re doing with poor man’s mobster over there?

THE CHALLENGE

Keyana apparently got way too lit while celebrating and sprained her foot. Because it’s Keyana and the only athletic thing she’s ever done in her life is run in whatever direction Michael is in, she is in crutches with a full fucking cast. *cough, cough* pussy *cough*

It’s officially the best challenge of the year: The exes are hereeeeee! And hey, there is Taylor from last season? Hun, if you wanted another 15 minutes of fame, shoot for the stars and audition for . 

Apparently she’s Joe’s ex and color me shocked. I honestly never pegged Taylor as Joe’s type (and vice-versa) but I think it’s so cute that they can cut costs and share hair products. Lord knows everyone from season five needs to save as much money as possible.

The game is speed dating like and the castmates have to hang out with their ex while other castmates come and interview them. One time my boyfriend and I saw my ex at a bagel shop and I legit hid behind a trashcan, so honestly I’m cringing forever.

Here’s a couple things about the exes (sorry, you’re not safe from this either):

UCHE’S EX: My mom and I both agree that either she met him at Church or she helped him when he had fallen and couldn’t get up. Seriously, how old is this dude?

SHAD’S EX: If Shad was as good of a boyfriend as she said he was, he should have kindly pointed her to the nearest hair salon.

CLINTON’S EX: Poor girl got the fucking FBI shakedown from Uche, but I don’t trust anyone who calls fooling around “sexual encounters.” Who let the narc on this show?

DD’S EX: Is from her junior year of high school. Damn, the desperation levels are strong with this one.

MICHAEL’S EX: Looks like she probably has the personality of cardboard. So very obviously still into Michael, which makes me think she probably has the brain cells to match her shining personality.

MALCOLM’S EX: “Well… she’s not what I expected.” – Mom. That’s putting it kindly.

MY FACE LOOKING AT MALCOLM’S EX:

ANYWAYS, Geles and Taylor seem to be hitting it off in the way only two fame-hungry, moderately hot girls can: fucking screaming at each other over a dude with a man bun and chipmunk teeth. It’s not a good look for Taylor, but as the professional drama expert here at Betches (please see my LinkedIn for more), I’m putting my money down that Geles probably came in more crooked than her left eyelash atm.

As they continue to insult each other, I realize this might be the fight I never knew I needed? TBH watching people sink to their low really has got me thriving. Either way, putting on my expert hat again, editing is a fickle bitch and I’m going to explore the ever-loving fuck out of Twitter (or employ the detectives on the AYTO subreddit) to find out EXACTLY what happened.

Oh also, I forgot to mention that Shad apparently lasts for like, three seconds in bed. Just a heads up!

Overall, Keith and Alexis win the challenge. Say what you will about these redneck trash bags, but those fuckers know how to win. Take notes, Democratic Party. Anyways, Keith picks Alivia. Alexis, in a form of petty that is honestly inspiring, picks Kareem.

MOM: Alexis and Kareem need to reroute their date to the nearest asylum. 

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Anthony decides DD might be his match and wants to get to know her better. Cute, stupid Anthony. Anyways, he sets up a drinking/20 questions game on the balcony of the boom boom room.

Malcolm, the perpetual cheater, gets super mad that they even looked in the direction of the boom boom room and is like “WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOM BOOM ROOM!” Of course, in a move that MTV def made happen was exceptionally dramatic, he runs and tells Geles too.

Geles is like “DD is easy and I want to throw her down a flight of stairs.” Well that’s not cause for alarm. Maybe Kareem and Geles should give love a shot. Also, that’s pretty tough talk coming from a girl who is like 85% silicone. DD would beat some ass, so I’m pretty excited about this possibility.

What’s even worse is that this game Anthony and DD are playing is totally innocent. He even asks her if he can kiss her and she says that “she has too much respect for Malcolm to do that.”

Meanwhile, in probable-domestic-violence land, Alivia tells Keith that Kareem is like pushing her away by being the most controlling and shitty human ever. Huh, what a weird concept.

She tells Keith that she’s afraid of Kareem and Keith’s like “I’m not afraid of Kareem.” Okay, so suddenly the whole fanbase (me, the subreddit and six teenage girls in Brazil) want to fuck Keith. This episode has so many twists.

Keith and Alivia start kissing and Alivia immediately does what she ALWAYS does and runs her ass to Kareem to tell him. She’s like “I’m sorry, I wanted to be honest.” Whoever told you honesty is the best policy was seriously disturbed. Of course, Kareem feels so betrayed, which is crazy because I didn’t know psychopaths could feel any emotion.

When DD leaves the date with Anthony, Malcolm immediately calls her a “dick rider.” Which would be okay if you were starring in a superhero porno, but otherwise it’s like, the most insulting shit I have ever heard. DD rightfully flips out because that’s just like, the rules of feminism.

MOM: Well, this explains his ex. — That’s like, way harsh Tai. REAL PIC OF MY MOM AND I:

THE DATE

They go to a palm reading and tarot cards reading date. Really MTV, y’all take Kareem’s and Alexis’ crazy asses into a witch shop? This is the lamest episode of ever.

Alexis is like “I’m super into witchcraft” and I’m honestly afraid for Keith rn. She’s got little white bread voodoo dolls in her eyes.

Alivia and Keith have a pretty real chemistry so they start making out again, obviously. Nothing gets Keith’s dick harder than the fact it’s probably going to be chopped off by Alexis within the next few hours.

Kareem and Alexis, meanwhile, are bonding over their shared mental instability. Kareem decides to tell Alexis about Keith and Alivia’s kiss and they rile each other up faster than a Disney Channel movie basketball team hearing an inspiring speech in the locker room at halftime.

They are like “just because we fucked up and did the same thing doesn’t mean that anyone else can!” Republicans have the weirdest logic.

Alexis and Kareem do the mature thing and confront Keith and Alivia on their date. Alexis yells at Keith for not telling her and how they agreed not to hook up with their matches. Keith is stuck in the age-old predicament where he tries to decipher what “hooking up” means.

Alexis thinks it’s a kiss and Keith thinks it’s anal. Tale as old as time.

If you think Alexis is crazy, Kareem is like, hold my beer. He’s hitting shit and yelling at Alivia while Keith stares on, wondering how this dude escaped his padded cell. Of course, Kareem has to fucking throw a table at Alivia and now MTV brings in producers, because maybe, just they have a problem here.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

The only thing I have seen Geles do in this house is shit talk, apply makeup and pine over a very average-looking dude named Anthony. Geles is basically every sorority sister I have ever had.

Geles and Malcolm team up to belittle DD for doing nothing wrong, and DD is not having it. She and Audrey start yelling back at Malcolm/Geles and it’s a mess.

TYLER: I hate this place, but it’s great.


ME AND MY MOM: #tru

TRUTH BOOTH

DD and Anthony explain exactly what happened and Malcolm is like “everyone knows what happens in the boom boom room.” Everyone knows there is money in the banana stand.

Terrence J is like, “you know the boom boom room is like, the only room with a door, right? Maybe they just wanted to get away for a second.” Malcolm acts like someone just explained quantum physics to him.

This show should just be called “twentysomethings considering basic concepts.”

Nurys and DD, bonded over the fact that Malcolm ain’t shit, make up and become friends. There is no stronger friendship than one bonded through mutual hate. That’s like, the only friends I have.

Keith word vomits that he and Alivia kissed again and of course Alexis and Kareem flip the fuck out.

Alexis tells Keith “to go die” and is two seconds away from asking her murderer cousin for a repeat performance. Terrence J is like “damn that’s harsh”, which is a weird way of saying “YOU ARE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.”

Alivia calls out the hypocrisy of this whole thing and tells the house about Kareem throwing a table and everyone in the house is like “what, Kareem?! No way!”

Shad’s like “hey, if I was a girl I would not want him to be my perfect match.” As a girl I also want sex to last longer than two seconds, but sometimes dreams are meant for when we are sleeping.

Zoe is like “I thought Kareem was my match but he’s getting a little too domestic violence-y for me.” Oh, did you not tell the matchmakers you wanted that?

MY MOM: You know poor Alivia’s mother is somewhere praying on her rosary that Kareem is not her match.

Kareem stands up, starts yelling, and leaves the room. He swears that Keith and Alivia are not a match and now he hates Alivia and is going to start the smallest chapter of the He-Man-Woman-Haters Club in the boom boom room.

Of course, Keith and Alivia go to the Truth Booth. They like, want this to help them win the money, but more importantly they want this so they can tell Kareem to take his perfectly sculpted facial hair and fuck right off.

The episode is about to end, and if it ends on a cliffhanger I will throw my laptop across the room. Kareem is obviously affecting me.

Because there is no such thing as happiness on reality TV, they are a NO MATCH. Gotta say, this bummed me out.

Kareem and Alexis start laughing their asses off, while Alivia and Keith make their walk of shame towards two people who legit want to murder them.

MY MOM: Is this going to turn into a murder mystery show? I actually really like that angle. — Your move, MTV.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-murder-on-the-ayto-express/

[belaborthepoint]

I’m depressed because I’m smart

I’ve had a lot of really thoughtful and intellectually engaging discussions recently with my friends and it’s gotten me thinking. I’m depressed a lot of the time and sometimes I see people who are good at communicating and drinking water and taking care of basic human needs and I’m just like, what? And then I realize that I’m only dysfunctional because I’m depressed, and I’m only depressed because I am extremely intelligent.

I’ve always had a certain knack for understanding things that other people might be slower to pick up on. One time I took a personality test on the internet and it said that I could be described as “intuitive,” and I was like, what? That’s exactly me in a nutshell. I’ve always hated personality tests and horoscopes because only stupid people like them, but that one kind of changed my perspective. It just sort of complicated my thinking on the matter. When I’m thinking about matters, I always like to approach them with a certain degree of skepticism, because I don’t believe anything because I’m smart. But then when the internet test told me that I was “intuitive,” I couldn’t really believe that something could be that particular and describe me in such exquisite detail without some kind of complex process that I don’t understand. I just have to keep thinking about it.

I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking with my brain, because I just have a lot of thoughts, okay? I like thinking! Sue me! But sometimes I spend so much time thinking that it makes me sad, because I’m too smart to be happy. I understand how the world works. One time I was like, why do I feel bad today? And my therapist was like, maybe it’s because you ate two boxes of cereal last night and you only slept for 40 minutes. And I was like, are you an idiot??? I feel bad because the world is bad, and if you were smart at all you would get that and you wouldn’t be wasting your time trying to make people feel OKAY when things are NOT okay. We’re SUPPOSED to be sad because the WORLD is sad. Do you even read the news?

This is a picture of me thinking about the news and the world. See? This is what you’re supposed to do with your face when you think.

The other day I heard someone say they were going to the gym and I literally laughed in their face because it was so funny to me that someone would think that it’s valuable to prioritize mental or physical health. I don’t lie around listlessly and eat cereal because I have depression, I have depression because I’m SMART. My psychiatrist is like, maybe you should trying taking your pills regularly instead of taking them at random times and skipping a bunch of days. And I’m like, what good would that do? And he’s like, it messes with your brain chemicals, also it’s bad for your brain if you don’t sleep and you only eat bran flakes. And I’m like, did this person even go to school??? Did he just make up a fake degree certificate on Microsoft Paint and then stick it up on his wall?? Any village idiot with the least degree of common sense would know that it doesn’t matter how you treat your brain or your body because if you’re smart and you know how the world works, you’re going to be miserable no matter what and you might as well just not try to be happy or take care of yourself since self care is just like this giant Sisyphean task. Sisyphus was a character in philosophy and it’s about this guy who’s always pushing on a rock cause he’s dumb, and it’s basically just about how anyone who tries in life is stupid.

Yesterday someone told me that it’s healthy to produce a bowel movement every day and I was like, what? I haven’t pooped since January! And they were like, that sounds like a health problem, are you eating enough fiber? And I was like, are you literally so stupid that you actually pay attention to nutrition? Sure, I’m not comfortable most of the time, and I’ve developed a lot of serious gastrointestinal problems because I only eat processed wheat products in massive proportions at odd hours of the night and then hibernate during the day, but what else am I really supposed to do? Do you think we were put on this earth to be comfortable? Literally the whole point is that there is no point, but if there were a point, it would be to suffer so you can understand the experience of suffering and better understand the chronic pain of living as a human being.

I think it’s so funny when people are all like, I’m going to pursue hobbies and passions and things that bring me joy! I’m going to try to live a meaningful life! I just think it’s so sad that people will spend their entire lives living this giant delusion that they have a purpose and that there are things to be happy about. I’m literally laughing so hard right now as I type this. I’m actually not, that was just a figure of speech, but I think that the idea is absurd in a dark way that actually doesn’t strike me as amusing at all, but I don’t have an expression to describe what that feels like.

Sometimes I’m worried that I’m going to turn stupid like the happy people I see around me, and I start to feel like maybe I could be smart and also exercise and sleep at night instead of writing unintelligible stream of consciousness journal entries about nothing, and that actually if there is no point then maybe it’s just as pointless to make myself miserable than it is to make myself happy, and if it feels good to be happy, maybe I should just do that? But then I remember how lucky I am to be so smart, and understand the world so well, and shouldn’t I appreciate my intellect by thinking about all of these sad truths all the time? And wouldn’t it be dishonest to live my life in a way that wasn’t consistent with my general philosophy of nihilism? And wouldn’t I know somewhere deep down that I was lying to myself by trying to be happy? Since we’re all supposed to be sad? But then, I think that maybe I’m smart enough that I can choose to believe something and also have the self-awareness to know that it’s a choice and that really, everything is dark and horrible, but that I don’t have to think about that all the time and that maybe all the happy people aren’t braindead zombie robot vegetable things that only care about hedonistic pleasure seeking? And that maybe there are some happy people who are also smart and just like the feeling of being happy because it’s kind of nice? And maybe I’m just resigned to being sad and grumpy all the time because feeling bad is easier than feeling good? I don’t know. I just made all that up. I don’t really have any sincere questions because sincerity is for stupid people. I don’t have any doubts or curiosities and I’m perfectly happy being unhappy. Because I’m smart.

[leoxrobertson]

I Don’t Know 5: I CAN SPEAK!TM

This George Saunders story takes the form of a letter written by an employee of the company KidLuv to a customer who has returned a product known as the “I CAN SPEAK!TM”, a device which is strapped onto a baby’s face and makes the baby appear that it is talking. The product cannot read the baby’s mind: it simply says a number of stock phrases, or those programmed by the parents, depending on the chosen product’s sophistication.

The letter is filled with creep from the first paragraph: ”I thought I would take some of my personal time (I am on lunch) and try to address the questions you raised in your letter, which is here in front of me on my (cluttered!) desk”, that only gets creepier “We would like to come to your house on Lester Street and make a personalized plaster cast of [your baby’s] real, actual face!”

The KidLuv employee writing the letter goes on to proselytise for the company, detailing the many merits of the I CAN SPEAK!TM range of products, creeping even further as he talks about the use of the device on his own son: “It makes you love him more. Because suddenly he is articulate…we have several times seen a sort of softening in the eyes of our resolute childless friends, as if they, too, would suddenly like to have a baby.” What is wrong with this guy, this corporate fetishising drone loser? It soon becomes apparent: “last weekend my supervisor, Mr Ted Arnes, stopped by (a super guy, he has really given me support, please let him know if you’ve found this letter at all helpful) and boy did we all crack up laughing when [my son] began rubbing his face very rapidly across the carpet in order to make his ICS2100 shout, “FRICTION IS A COMMON AND USEFUL SOURCE OF HEAT!””

“On a personal note, I did not have the greatest of pasts when I came here, having been in a few scrapes and even rehab situations, but now, wow, the commissions roll in, and I have made a nice life for me and [my family]… if you decline my upgrade offer and persist in your desire to return your ICA1900, my commission must be refunded, by me, to Mr Arnes… I don’t quite know what I’m doing wrong.”

It would be fantastically easy to indict the person writing the letter and leave it at that: if he was a good guy, would he work for this creepy corporation? Saunders has the intelligence and empathy to demonstrate that “Corporate America” is a thing once created by humans that now apparently roams around on its own. This is demonstrated in further stories in the collection In Persuasion Nation, in which this story appears, most memorably for me in the title story where a breast filled with Red Bull invades a house and tries to nurse a baby.

Saunders has an essay collection called The Braindead Megaphone, his name for the omnipotent voice of the media, defined as “the composite of the hundreds of voices we hear each day that come to us from people we don’t know via high-tech sources”: it exists as a technically alive separate entity, which is harmful, but has no easily definable consciousness at its helm. Similarly, Corporate America pushes people apart and leaves them dumbfounded as to how exactly it got to this or what to do about it. Behind the corporate mask are a whole bunch of people trying to keep their kids fed: the mask itself is alive and out of control. Quoting from The Braindead Megaphone: “How does such a harmful product emanate from such talented people? I’d imagine it has to do with the will to survive… each deferring his or her “real” work until such time as he or she accumulates his or her nut and can head for the hiills, or get a job that lets them honor their hearts.” Doesn’t that seem to reflect Chekhov’s observations in “Gooseberries”? “A young friend who writes content for the news page of an online media giant, emails me:… If anyone wonders why Americans aren’t informed with real news it’s because of sell-out corporate goons like me who will do anything to never deliver a pizza again.”

Saunders doesn’t claim to know what to do about the situation, and from his non-fiction work, it’s clear he knows that awareness of issues doesn’t automatically lead to the resolution of them: he merely aims to reflect those issues, as apparently dumbfounded as anyone else as to how America arrived where it is today.

I don’t know about you, but I feel positively healed, understood, reassured and yet disturbed by these examples. I have re-entered life’s unknowable flux with just enough human understanding and black humour to get me through. I wonder if with enough time, patience and mind-boggling, you will be the next to join these greats?